Awww...thanks to you girls for the support on my freak-out day.  It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with this.  Sometimes the worst part of it for me, especially afterwards, is that I feel like I'm the only one in the world who gets like that, and that everyone else can handle things so there must be something wrong with me.  (A lot of things in my life come down to this conclusion)  Anyway, at least for me it helps to know that I'm in good company.

*Hugs* to my fellow criers.  I hope you are feeling better.  

On a brighter note (I know this is rare, but I sort of started this journal so I could dump while at work, which I suppose isn't so great for anyone reading my public posts), I have an interview for my top-choice graduate program!!!!  Well, two interviews really, because of the way the program is set up.  I go in on Feb 20 for part 1 and Feb 28 & 29 for part 2.   I'm totally nervous, but if they go well, then hopefully I'll be spending my next five years doing EEG and fMRI and other neuroscienc-y goodness

Go me.  Totally freaked out at work.  Actually left abruptly to go cry in bathroom.  And of course jerk-bag new receptionist sees all.  Can I go home and hide in bed now?  Just until I feel better.

Ah, parents.  I've been trying (yet again) to cultivate a relationship with mine, only they just don't seem that interested.  I don't necessarily want to be super-close with them; I'm not sure that's even possible given how different we are.  But they're my family and -some- sort of relationship would be nice.  Ideally, the kind where I'd show up for their birthdays, confirmations, etc. and they'd notice when I graduate college.  And maybe if we talked every week or so by phone, and maybe if some of the time -they- called me instead of the other way around. 

A little while ago, my brother had his Eagle Scout ceremony, and while I'm not too big on the boy scouts as an organization what with the homophobia and all, he's still my brother, and that's the kind of thing you show up for as a sister.  Well, my family neglected to tell me until the night before.  I know, warm fuzzy feelings, right?  Of course, masochist that I am, I scrambled around my schedule so that I could attend, not that they cared.

I called my mom more than a week ago because I hadn't talked to her in a while.  So, I'm feeling like, even though it makes no sense, it might be nice to talk to her again.  I know it's stupid to sit around wishing that she'd call me since I could just call her, but I here I am.  Honestly, I think they'd prefer NOT to talk to me, or have too much to do with me.  I make them uncomfortable, we don't have much in common.  Still, I'm their g.d. daughter.  You'd think they'd want more to do with me just for that.  I mean, if I ever have kids, I hope that I'll at least -try- with them, even if they turn out to be very different from me.  It totally feels like they wish I'd just go away.

I go through phases where I'm just like f*** them, I don't care, and I don't call or anything, and then I go through phases where I try and try, not that it ever does any good.  So here I go again with a phase where I try, and I know I'm just going to get hurt, so I don't know why I'm trying, only I am.

Okay.  Done venting.

*sigh*

We got a new receptionist.  I don't like him.  At all.

Also, I'm full-time until winter break is over.  I guess it's nice that I have the hours, since I really do need the money, having gotten behind on some things over the course of the semester, but I find myself wishing that school was already starting up again, just so I wouldn't have to be here.  Before we got the new guy, it was bad enough, but now in addition to having my soul sucked away by the joys of accounts receivable, I have the pleasure of spending eight hours a day with a creep.  It's triggering some stuff from the Before Times that I'd rather not have triggered.  

The sensible part of me knows that I should just try to stick it out at least until I graduate, since with school and all it's probably best to just have something that I already know, and I don't do well with change, and it does pay better than anything else I've found that's part-time and flexible enough to schedule school around.  Sometimes I wish I was a little more daring, because maybe then I wouldn't do the sensible thing.

No, seriously.  I don't want to grow up.  Which is wierd, coming from me, since I've been on my own for the last six years.  Honestly, I'm pretty surprised that I feel this way, but that doesn't change the fact that I do.

I'm in the middle of applying to grad school.  I'll (finally) be graduating college in May.  Which means that this part of my life, the part where I can say, oh, I'm still in school, this isn't the real thing, is about to be over.  Real Life is about to start.  Only I'm not ready for it.

Some people, like my sister, can't wait to grow up.  They rush towards it with open arms, finish college in three years, get married at 22.  Not me.  

I mean, I left home really early (I was nineteen), but that had more to do with the circumstances surrounding living with my family than it did with wanting to be a grown-up.  I did just fine, though, supporting myself and all.  Hell, I've even managed to put myself through school.  I know I've done pretty well for myself so far, and taken care of myself, and been independent, and that I can stand on my own two feet...but I'm STILL AFRAID OF GROWING UP.

Growing up means all sorts of horrible things, like a job that's not just a job, but a career, and getting married and having kids and being all old and shit.  I don't know why this all seems so horrible.  It just does.  I don't get it.